BY SUE FREDERICK
44 Readers sharing how Unity has changed their lives
It’s Good Friday, not Bad Friday—a day of crucifixion
of the ego and disintegration of what needs to be let go.
I surrender to this day.
After months of tests and fears, I write the doctor’s exact
words on my yellow legal pad: aggressive prostate cancer, bad
prognosis, Gleason score 8, extensive treatments.
I lift my face up to the fluorescent light and breathe. I
glance at my husband Gene. He is doing the exact same
thing. As always, we move in parallel.
I wonder, What is faith? I have none. I have too much. I
am everywhere with faith. Is despair the opposite of faith?
Me and despair, we chummy up. We have long talks in the
I watch the poppa owl land on my fence post to hunt for
breakfast. He has faith he’ll find something to bring home
to his nest, that they’ll live another day in spite of coyotes,
hawks, and bobcats. He gives those bad things no power.
I learned at Unity Ministerial School that I have 12 powers
I’m always using for better or worse. The first is faith. Do I
have faith in divine order or faith in chaos and fear? Good
question. I need to glue these words from our writing
exercise to my soul: I give no power to the doctor’s diagnoses
and alarming statistics that disempower us. I affirm my faith
in Gene’s powerful divine essence and his infinite healing
abilities, which he activates daily through positive thoughts,
beliefs, and a focus on healing.
I give no power to old stories and memories of losing
my first husband, two girlfriends, and my dad to cancer. I
affirm my faith in today as a new beginning with infinite
possibilities completely unrelated to past experiences.
This past week before we left for the Mayo Clinic in
Phoenix, I lost my faith a thousand times. I did not want
to go. I was fierce, raging at cancer, raging at God.
Once in Arizona, we felt like light was pouring through us,
filling us both with love and laughter for the first time in so
long. We had faith. We found magic in every conversation,
in every person we met, and in the places we visited. It broke
us wide open. At Unity of Phoenix, we fell in love with the
community and the minister.
Gene’s doctor at Mayo told us Gene needed nine weeks of
five-days-a-week treatments—a much more extensive plan
than we expected. It terrified us. It elated us. We’ll lose our
home in Boulder, Colorado. We’ll find a new one. I have
faith. I’m bringing dinner home to my nest with absolute
faith my beloveds will always be there—despite whatever
circles around our lives.
I learned the second power I’m always using for better
or worse is understanding. As the doctor describes the
proton beams and pinpoints of light that will illuminate
and destroy Gene’s cancer cells, I seek understanding of
how Gene sees this. A look of absolute terror flickers across
his face when the doctor mentions certain side effects,
possibilities of doom.
I seek understanding of myself, how I make Gene and the
doctor laugh to distract them whenever I see Gene falter
in fear or sense how fed up Gene is with me and my fierce
self—always coaching, cheering, sure a solution has arrived.
Just too many exclamation points. I seek understanding of
how to stop and just Be. In. It.
I seek understanding of my endless fear of crippling
grief, of homelessness, and despair. I seek understanding
of my inner divinity that rises like a phoenix, more
powerful than any force in the universe.
Cancer has nothing on my fierce bitch divinity; grief is
pitiful in the face of my fierce Christ consciousness.
I seek understanding of how to dig into my heart and
rip out the fear that hides within, to proton beam away my
ego. When I’m in remission from ego, I know only love and
light. I become a proton beam of divine love piercing Gene’s
body, destroying anything he is unable to destroy himself.
I seek understanding of how to live with fewer exclamation
points, with more pauses and breaths.
I seek understanding of every single thing that makes us
afraid and broken and terrified and unaware that we are God.
Sue Frederick is the author of six
books including Your Divine Lens
(Frederick Malowany, 2016), Water
Oak (Frederick Malowany, 2016),
and Bridges to Heaven (St. Martin’s
Press, 2013). She’s a spiritual and
career coach as well as a professional speaker
and a full-time student at Unity Urban Ministerial
School. Visit suefrederick.com.